I Like Being MacGyver

I lock my keys in my car every couple of months. I think it's because I function on autopilot so much. I am responsible, dad, and I do have a set of spares, but they're locked in the apartment, now... Luckily, my car is a beater and has a useful broken bit - the back windows don't go all the way up. There's a good inch and a half gap through which Plastic Man/Elastagirl/Mr. Fantastic/Elongated Man can squeeze through and let me in. When they're not around, I sometimes taken an anvil and drop it on Wile E Cotoyte, and slip him through the crack. Barring that, I sometimes get to be MacGyver. This first time this happened was in a target parking lot, and I had the whole of their stock at my disposal. I got some chewing gum, and a few paper clips, a bucket in which to mix Amonia and Bleach, and then I passed out from fumes. Really, what I got was a big ass 7 foot long garden stake of some sort.

If you can buy that and not feel awkward you're a more confident person than I. 

The operation is simple: Reach into the cracked window with the wrought iron spear, arms overhead as if harpooning a whale, and carefully click the electric lock switch on the opposite door. 2 minutes tops. Yes, it's not nearly as cool as MacGyver's antics, but frankly, that guy could do with some simplifications of his schemes. He could probably get out of half of his scrapes if he just carried a big metal pole like this with him.

Seven minutes later, I awkardly stroll into the store to return my garden stake. 2 minutes to unlock my car, 5 minutes to pace outside coming up with a plausible excuse to immediately return it. I was vascillating between "I have a family emergency and must rush immediately to the airport" and "I forsook materialism in your parking lot"  but they return lady didn't ask any questions. The casheir who rung me up did catch my eye, but I just gave him an embarrassed  shrug, which I'm sure answered none of his questions.

I've since perfected this art of unlocking my car by twice using a broom, and earlier today, when none of my neighbors were home to lend me brooms, I wandered an alley until I found a discarded broken bunk bed with a piece of wood of appropriate size that I could wrench off. I don't knwo why this makes me feel badass.

This strategy has only failed me once, when I locked myself out while visiting the girlfriend on her lunch break at work. There was a conveniently located flag store nearby (yes, a flag store) but it was clearly a rinky dink mom & pop shop (yes, as opposed to a flag store chain). The lady was so excited to have a customer I couldn't handle the guilt of making her excited one minute only to crush her spirits 10 minutes later after returning her flag pole (10 minutes because this time I'd probably need at least 8 minutes to come up with a reason to immediately return a flag pole). I could just picture her heart breaking and she refunded my money, no attempt to hide the tears in her eyes as she took an eraser to her previously empty ledger.

Plus, she really had a minimal flagpole selection. I can judge this because I am apparently a connoisseur of... poles. I should probably rephrase that, but meh. Backspacing takes a lot of effort.

I Like Boarding Passes

I am an awesome airport traveller. I don't hand people extranous bits of paper at checkpoints - that's right, I know who needs my boarding pass and who needs my ID. I am not the person in front of you fumbling with tings, slowing everybody down. I put all my junk into the little plastic tray in one fell swoop, bringing a little bit of ballet of efficiency to the X-Ray People's lives. I don't even wear my belt to the airport, I keep it in my carry on, so it's a post-TSA hassle. One of these days, someone is going to clap me on the shoulder, tears in their eyes, and thank me for being so good at the security lines at airports.

On my trip to visit my mother for Mother's day (LA to Phoenix), I didn't even HAVE a carryon. Just a book I wisely chose because it fits in my pocket. This is because I needed to check my overstuffed bags-within-bags bag. I would go to Arizona empty. I would retun flush with the treasures of my youth. As many toys and books and old mementos as I could manage.

You knwo that one scene from Snatch, where they guy goes from New York to England in a 5 second montage of plane travel? We'll call it "Plane Montage". Now picture Plane Montage + Hugging Mom + Warm Meal + Furious Packing Of Overstuffed Bags + Hugging Mom Goodbye At Airport, so we can get on with the story.

Now laden with my two free checkable bags (Yay Southwest) and a stuffed backpack carryon, I set out from the way-to-hot Sky Harbor airport in AZ back to Los Angeles. The night before, we measured how many books fit in my luggage without them going over 50 pounds (a lot!), so I knew I'd have no problem checking them. Now back in the TSA line again, I shifted my bacpack around uncomfortably. It was stuffed full of Transformers (but well within the allowed size parameters) and someone's missile was gouging my right in the kidney. 

I threw it down on the conveyer belt and walked thorugh the metal detector myself. Waiting for my bag to spit out of the box, I look up at the X-Ray screen. I see my shoes and cell phone come through. For once, there's no line and I actually allow myself a moment to wonder why/how the x-rays are colorized. And then, it comes on the screen. What looks like torn bits of translucent contruction paper and confetti, a myriad of colors, delighfully and playfully piled on one another. And on top, a layer of black sprinkles, scattered here and there, sometimes almost in a  pattern. The conveyer has stopped. "Hey George, come see this" cries the X-Ray lady. 

Oh, so that's what a lot of Transformers looks like on the X-Ray, I think to myself, a little nervous blush coming on. George comes voer and peers into the screen. "That's a lot of pind and screws... all over the place," he says, indicating the black sprinkles. Clearly, both baffled, I helpfully say, "That's my bag, you can take a look if you'd like." Ignoring me, they continue, "Some of these are little springs, too, definitely mechanical." Eep.

"Oh, it's TOYS!" sputters George, and my bag finally beigns to move again. Sure, now they're all looking. I sling on my bag an walk on to my gate. I'm glad I thought to remove any toys that had electronics, though it was mostly because I didn't want my carry on yelling abotu Autobot attacks while crammed under the seat in front of me.

On an unrelated note, I miss it when they used to ask you if you packed your own bag...

I Like Bizarre Craigslist Finds

The terrifying results of looking for a roommate in LA on Craigslist.

Dr. Frank-N-Furter?

This amazing ad is one of the most bizarre offers for a roommate we've come across. My comments are in bold.

$300 Seek share, reduce rent 4 work exchange + own business; (Hermosa Beach, CA)

Do not email me if you are not "IN" the Los Angeles, CA area; don't waste your time emailing me third party ill - pay website's. It's sick and stupid. Yeah, whatever. And, on the real . . . THIS IS NOT A GOOD FIRST SENTENCE/IMPRESSION

Hello 20,100/Hermosa Beach resident's, how are you? Oh, good. Greengrocer's apostrophe's. This will be ton's of fun. Hope your good. I seek and need a share apt or misc, reduced rent for work exchange, plus, I have my own 3 year freelance casual and general labor services business, with character references. $300 or less is the top/highest I can pay. I can do housecleaning, keep inside AND outside nice, when you come home. Thing's you may have put off to do another day, maybe perhaps I can do for you or with you, win-win. In the original ad, the scary photo of this guy was at the bottom, and came as a surprise. I encourage you to make sure you've picture it so you all get the added benefit of reading the above in a funny voice befitting the photo. I don't ask for much, can take care of myself, can live on little, have monthly disability income, but can function well enough to tackle any task/duty. Do you question admitting to scamming disability in your description of yourself? I say, why not! Love community/nieghborhood, love Hermosa and Redondo, and just need alittle space for myself. I have alittle small home office item's (computer, misc), I'm getting alittle headache am quiet, stay to myself, am considerate and respectful, and when I'm not doing say, on a morning schedule of cleaning the house or outside, I'd be working on my freelance casual and general labor services business with scheduling odd job's gig's, thus, I'd be busy, out in the field.This next sentence is a doozy. We get to see him surmise what other people think of him. Very classy, especially in an ad where you're supposed to be selling yourself.If your willing, someone of 20,100/Hermosa Beach resident's, please, I can be good for this, you won't be disappointed, as some client's of mine, seen when I performed duties and task's for them, them wondering (perhaps to themselves), geez, why didn't I contact this guy before.Perhaps to themselves? Really? What a quaint story from a humble guy. Anyway, I'm humble, know business, am straight forward and get right to it, can work unsupervised as to build trust and relaiability, misc with you. I pray I can discuss an agreeable reduced rent for work exchange deal with someone. I got a driver's license, but no car, can drive automatic only, and know some thing's about various thing's per task's and duties, organizing, misc. I just want everyone to focus on the fact that he knows: "some thing's about various thing's per task's and duties" Please read that aloud. I don't ask for any pay what so ever, just a reasonable size space to live, say, 400 square feet or alittle smaller say, and I can earn, misc my stay, your trust, misc, all good. Good, he doesn't want pay, he just wants to earn my trust and misc. Thank you in advance. And I do have character reference's I can share with you if you email me back. Have a blessed day. I get email's from people from time to time on this; if your not in Hermosa Beach, amidst the 20,100, save yourself the time,Yes, this is the third time he has made a reference (I believe) to the population of Hermosa Beach and don't email me; your wasting my time and yours, because I won't reply. My info is below, for your review: 

Just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you in advance for considering me out of (10) million in LA for your labor need's. You see, he likes population numbers

I commute to clientele (via http://www.mta.net, http://www.metro.net), Note he doesn't ride MTA or the Metro - he commutes via their websites, probably using some sort of emailing-yourself mass transit prototype exhibit business and professional attitude, detail oriented and take pride in the work that I am given, but I am quick about it, thus, I get the job done right the first time. Your equation doesn't compute quite as effortlessly as you tried to make it, sir. All clientele must supply items for any tasks or duties to be carried out by me - http://www.99only.com/locator/index.php. Yes, he is genuinely suggesting you go to the 99 Cent store to get him his supplies, and he is so damn helpful he included a link. Talk about brand loyalty. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to contact me. And I thank you in advance. 

Now, remember this ad is for looking for a place to live. Including the following resume is not standard practice. However, compared to the info he ends up sharing by the end of this ad, the resume seems positively normal.
TASKS / SKILLS / EXPERIENCE: Light industrial, Forklift Certified, Just what I need in a roommate looking to help around the house Operated powered and non powered Pallet Jacks, UPS on-line, Shipping and Receiving, Inventory and Rotating Stock, Re-Stocking, Loading and Unloading vehicles, Entry Level General Office (filing, phones, misc.) And he can answer phone? Sign me up! and Customer Service, as well as Entry Level Graphic Web Design, computer / PC project's using Windows 95 / 98 / XP / (Microsoft Word, Internet, email), and Basic / Elementary Spanish and American Sign Language. As well as odd job's: housecleaning, mover's assistant / helper, minimal yard work, minimal laundry, washing (dishes / vehicles), If he's being so broad as to mention he can wash dishes AND cars, should I worry that he didn't include "washing self" as a skill? groundskeeping, janitorial. I've also done TV / Film background scene work as well as interned on various student and independent low - budget film / video production projects, performing various production department assisting, such as craft service's and boom operator. 

Driver's License: Class C - (Automatic, not manual transmission), exp 02/17/2012. Seriously, even on a resume, do you ever bother to dig out your driver's license and include the expiration date? BUT NO! THIS IS FOR A ROOMMATE! IN WHAT WORLD DOES YOUR ROOMMATE NEED TO KNOW THIS?!

ADDITIONAL (on me): I care about and am deeply passionate with progressive growth, teamwork (if needed) and exhibit professional / business - oriented attitude, as well as have a deep passion and utmost respect for business and customer service, as well as customer satisfaction. 

I got over (3) year's of satisfied clientele; It's been a close competition, but I nominate this previous sentence as the worst grammar in the whole piece. We'll start with the unnecessary parenthetical on the 3. Then a Greengrocer's Apostrophe. The have/got switch is a big no-no. Lastly, we are left with the implication that he does not have 3 years of experience, but instead 3 years worth of clientele. In a basement. Somewhere. (some needing one-time service, while other's - periodic/occasional service). And whether housecleaning, which has seemed to be my most requested, though I do as well tasks' such as (cleaning out garage of ? & moving out to curb for city to pick-up), mover's helper's (loading/unloading of moving truck); Is there a grammatical term for a hanging "and whether"?

I do whatever reasonably in undertaking, carrying-out, following-thru &/or completing.I want this last sentence on a T-Shirt, or maybe as a tattoo. AND I always seek to go extra mile my clientele; not because of given compensation, but because I expect myself to over-exceed clientele's expectation's. So please, let me know, if I, out of (10) million in LA County, can help you. We should have made population mentioning a drinking game!

My respectively confided clientele is comprised of men, women, & of various backgrounds'; my only key thing is 'be on the real' when I give my all & post request compensation (=) win-win situation. God bless. Here to please, over-achieve & excel unto my fullness. We should all really strive to be on the real and excel unto our fullness. And, I guess we should also strive to give post request compensation equals win-win situation.

My Traits: Agreeable, Caring, Communicative, Compassionate, Competent, Dependable, Easy Going, Intelligent, Introverted, Kind, Neat, Open, Opinionated, Quiet, Rational, Sensitive, Simple, Spiritual, Talented, Trusting. This is actually a little endearing. I wish everyone would end their roommate postings with 20 adjectives about themselves.

Well, congratulations. You survived this amazingly long rambling post (only made longer by my interwoven diatribe). However, if you think you're done, oh, ho ho. No. Because the last line of this man's post is a link to his website. The above is a sampling of him restrained by Craigslist's formatting. What happens when he is allowed free use of font color changes and webcam pics and... shudder... animated gifs?

http://www.jeffreydavidmorris.com

I WARN YOU. It is even worse than this post. Please, visit the link to see the atrocious 1996 web formatting, but then immediately leave. DO NOT read further, because even though he openly included this website with his roommate request/resume, he seems to think it's appropriate to also include his own... erotic fiction... And once you fiends read his woeful erotic fiction (because I know you will despite my warning) do not blame me for what you find at the bottom of the page.

I Like A Lotta Things That Start With B?

What the hell sort of a title is that? I gave up after a while, I guess. I mean, right now the list of "B Things" numbers only two: Batman and Battle Droids. I'm sure I'll think of more later.